Watched the Bourne trilogy this weekend for the first time; way cool. But of course, like so many other movies, this one is full of triggers for me. Happily, triggers no longer cause agoraphobia or panic attacks, but rather are usually just the nudge a memory sitting on the edge of my consciousness needs to be remembered.
The first thing it made me think of is how recovering lost memories is portrayed in the movies. These producers must have talked to at least a few trauma survivors as the flashes of visual memories popping in and out is quite accurate. For me, this is not the most common way things come back to me. Seeing things is usually the last part of the process. More often, it is flashes of feelings. I can be anywhere and suddenly feel the need to run and hide, or suddenly feel hot or cold. I smell things as if they were right under my nose, but which are not. The first time I began to remember the night of the last post, it came in a pain in my right side so bad, I had to leave my class with another teacher and was on the phone to my doctor asking if she had any explanation or if I should go to the emergency room. After an exam and ultrasound which showed nothing, the pain didn't stop. Once I found Richard, he laughed and immediately told me there was nothing wrong with my ovaries or appendix. It was a body memory of the saline needle going in. The mind is powerful enough to control the body like this. Scary, huh?
After a memory presents itself this way, in body memory or flashback form, I usually get sound. This is worse for me than seeing what is happening. In fact, can't say anymore about that now.
Lastly, if at all, I begin to be able to see. A lot of what happened to me occurred in the dark, so many times, there is little to remember being seen. Also, when children are afraid, they have the tendency to cover or close their eyes.
Anyway, just thought it was cool. Plus, people often ask me what remembering it is like. While hard to explain fully, this is a pretty good start.
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Hey Alli. Flashbacks or memories I have those as well though I usually get physically sick from them. Sometimes if the subject comes up that reminds me I have to leave and get sick. But I can fully understand the sense thing and the feelings coming at you. I often wonder if they ever go away. I am hoping that they will eventually. But I have learned to control my reactions to them better. But there are times when for no reason at all I just get that awful feeling or start to cry and want to scream and things. the summer is the worst time for me. I just go through phases that I am blah and have overwhelming feelings of fear and pain and all that. But I have been told that it is a normal and healthy part of the healing process and that it is a sign that you are recovering which I wonder how that is so but i feel better knowing that at least. Do you ever want to just do things that you know will trigger the memories just to get it out? I have found that I sometimes do certain things I know will trigger me but I go ahead and get it over with and work through it. Sometimes it just feels better to get it out. I love you Alli and I am glad to have you as a friend and I am glad that you are working through your trauma. I cant begin to say I know how you feel in the least. I never experienced what you have had. I dont think that I would have been as strong as you are and been able to get through that. Your a great person and a strong individual. I hope things get better and better as you go along I know they will.
It is normal. November - March is my hard time of year, with February being the worst month of all.
My therapist purposefully triggers memories and junk like that so I can release the emotions in the safety of his office. I don't do it often on my own; it gets way too overwhelming and I usually 'check out' and come to hours later and find out an alter has been in control; not good. Have some greeaaat stories about some of them taking over while I was driving (one was only 13). Ask me sometime.
Like panic disorder, agoraphobia is one of several anxiety disorders. Agoraphobia may occur with or without panic disorder, but it is most frequently seen with panic disorder. If treated quickly and properly, panic disorder may not progress to agoraphobia. Once the condition progresses, it is all the more difficult to treat. http://www.xanax-effects.com/
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