Trigger

Feel the need to explain how everyday objects, sounds and smells can become triggers with DID or any kind of trauma survivors. This is something one of my alters named Elise wrote to try to explain to our therapist why panic attacks were coming every time we walked past the seafood section of HEB once they started carrying whole fish. It is better now, but I still usually look the other way.

As a precursor to this one, let me explain a little about the ceremony Elise is remembering. It is one of the animal sacrifices that I was made to participate in as a means of controling and silencing me. The cult members reserved the honor of killing for themselves, but often made us believe we had done it or at least helped. The shame that followed that was one way of making us keep our mouths shut, as you saw in my post "January 17th". You'll see Elise believed she killed the animal just by looking at it because she was that evil. The mind games are unbelievable here, but it was just foreshadowing. I know I would have gone through this particular night a thousand times over if I could have saved my daughter.

She also mentions fires and drawings on the ground. I won't go into much detail here, but this was all part of the ceremony.

As usual, beware: graphic and real. Graphic language in this one too.




Yes, I can explain it, but it won't help. I can see the head of a fish, the fucking eyes. The always gaping mouth. I remember.

It was almost always a fish they made me kill. After the fires were lit and the circle drawn, I had to watch the slimy creature flop and gasp for breath. I had to keep it with me in the center of the circle, touching it if it ventured too close to the edge of the sacred circle. I loathed to touch it, but had to be careful if I vomited afterwards to keep it out of the sacred spots. Violation of the sacred circle meant I had to start all over and be first next time.

I hated being first. It meant I was blacked out before the mid ceremony and lost track of SISTER and the others. I blacked out from pain, drugs and weakness. Mostly drugs and weakness. I could stand the pain.

Once the animal had stopped moving, they made me hold it eye level with me and stare into its face, weeping from having to touch the loathed being, I had to keep my eyes open and kill it with my evil gaze. It worked every time. If I dropped it, I would be forced to my knees in the dirt, one of them would hold my throat, bending my head down to his lap as he sat crossed legged in the circle. Though he was not yet naked, I knew what would come after the killing. The creature was placed across the back of my neck and I was forced to feel its last breaths and then its death. Strong hands and an erect penis in front of me, the animal I killed behind. No where to go, no where to even shift to lessen the horror.

After it was dead and I was raped, spent from oral and vaginal violation, I lay naked looking at the sky counting stars and seconds before the ultimate. The animal was brought above my head, its eyes ripped out in front of me. It always sees they said. It will watch you forever. We will watch you forever. What we do here is always eternal forever. Nothing lasts longer than us. You are ours always. The eye was inserted somewhere different always. My vagina, rectum, ear and once down my throat. I never knew if it was really the eye or just fingers, but the younger ones believed everything that was said. I had to stay conscious as long as possible, had to obey in everyway and keep my sacred place. If I failed, another would fill it.

That fucking eye mocks me today because I failed. It sees me living free as another takes my place tonight. That slightly open mouth in the seafood section taunts me. You lost. She hurts because you couldn't take it. She'll scream tonight while you're safe in bed. We still see. We are forever.





Elise